The Glitter League

Fears of the return of a dark, disturbing and almost forgotten past phenomenon which plagued managers for seasons across the Glitter League—Transferitis, have reared its ugly head over the last week as managers scrambled to bid for new high profile players entering the TGL.

Managers haggle over players at an auction

Fears of the return of a dark, disturbing and almost forgotten past phenomenon which plagued managers for seasons across the Glitter League—Transferitis, have reared its ugly head over the last week as managers scrambled to bid for new high profile players entering the TGL.

Yes, folks, this crippling disease strikes when a manager, delusional from staring at the stats page too long, decides to pay way over the odds for a player. Symptoms include wild optimism, reckless spending, and, ultimately, jealousy and envy with other managers.

Now, let’s talk about the latest victim of this insidious illness—Pathetic Crew. And, oh, how fitting is that name? The Crew has just thrown down a staggering $26 million bid for none other than… Youri Tielemans! Yes, that’s right, Youri Tielemans, the very definition of “decent but not dazzling.” I add, its a far cry from the 100 million dollars for Mario Balotelli in 2014 or 110 million dollar transfer for Juan Cuadrado in the same season but strict protocols were introduced so it erased the live ‘head to head’ bidding which were seen by all parties.

The fear of Transferitis is spreading like wildfire through the league, and with good reason. Let’s take a look at some recent transfer dealings that have left fans scratching their heads and accountants reaching for the antacids.

Take Ilkay Gündoğan, for instance. Now, Ilkay is a classy operator, no doubt. A midfield maestro who can still pull the strings at the ripe old age of 34. But $16 million-plus? For a player who might pull a hammy reaching for his slippers in the morning? That’s Transferitis, ladies and gentlemen. Full-blown, uncontrollable, and downright embarrassing.

Transferitis can affect any manager even if a player costs as much as a pair of boots. We have João Félix—one of the hottest young talents in the world. A player who can leave defenders twisted up like pretzels and goalkeepers diving for the wrong post. Surely, he’d command a king’s ransom, right? Wrong. The lad was snapped up for a measly $6 million. Six! Where’s the justice in that? João’s probably thinking he should’ve slapped on a few years and a couple of knee braces to get his price tag up!

But, you see, this is the essence of Transferitis. It doesn’t discriminate based on talent or age. It strikes at random, inflating some prices to the stratosphere while others plummet into the bargain bin.

So, as the league anxiously watches on until the closure of the transfer window, we can only wonder: who’s next? Which manager will fall victim to this dreaded disease? Will we see a 40-year-old striker from a backwater division full of farmers go for $50 million? Or perhaps a backup goalkeeper who’s never kept a clean sheet in his life?

One thing’s for sure—Transferitis is a proper disease, which can haunt and scar the best managers, with one manager disappearing into a cave in 2014, only exiting to buy milk from the corner store. There is hope this may be a flickering occurrence but it won’t be out of mind anytime soon until every last cent has been spent on players who’ll end up warming the bench.